In todays headlines, Hillary Clinton was eaten by an alligator at Disneyland as she trolled for new kids to give to Podesta. No one was hurt, and the alligator received a Congressional Medal of Honor. Bill Clinton gave the eulogy stating, “Who is that blonde?”
Ron Paul tweeted a list of fake news sites. We would ask Jack Dorsey and Zuck to immediately bar these fake news sites from publishing news or updates on Facebook and twitter forevermore.
In NFL news the Cleveland Browns challenged Alabama to a football game. Alabama declined, fearing excessive injury risk for the pansy Browns players. The Akron Pop Warner boys U-12’s stepped up and beat the Browns 35-28 in a hard fought game, with the Ghost of the Galloping Ghost Red Grange leading all rushers with 142 yards and 3 td’s.
In Major League Baseball news Justin Verlander was jobbed by the baseball writers out of his Cy Young. However he has Kate Upton. So all in all it seems fair.
In basketball news Michael Jordan came out of retirement, dunked on Kanye West and re-retired. Kanye West was last seen in an ambulance muttering about Beyonce, Taylor Swift and 3 partially eaten bags of cheetos. Kim Kardashian immediately divorced him saying, “I didn’t know he couldn’t D up and guard an old man. I don’t feel safe anymore.”
In Twitter news Jack Dorsey resigned as CEO stating, “I suck. I cannot believe I did this to twitter, my customers and my country. I am a very bad person.”