Tag Archives: Satire

Is Conservative Ninny Ed Whalen the Criminal Mastermind Behind Every Crime, Ever?

Ed whelan decided to tweet a half baked (and we don’t mean he took a bit of cocaine mixed with meth) twitter storm where he insinuated a dude who looked like Judge Kavanaugh assaulted Christine Blasey Ford.

So we asked ourselves is Ed Whalen a leading suspect in not only notorious crimes but every crime?

Think about it.

A one man crime wave like Bonnie & Clyde conducted (Feminism leads the way!) with two people would be so unlikely that no one would suspect Whelan is the criminal mastermind behind (and probably conducting) every crime imaginable.

To test this theory we compared Whalan to notorious criminal DB Cooper.

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The resemblance is remarkable.

We think Ed bought some of Alex Jones vitamins, defied aging, and has lived life on the lamb, with those poor passengers money, for quite a long time.  (Ed steals run on sentences!)

Then we checked the audio of the Kennedy motorcade.  We heard President John F. Kennedy whispering to his driver,

“I do believe that is Ed Whalen over there on that grassy gnoll.”

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We checked the grassy gnoll photo. And sure enough. It’s Ed Whalen.  I should point out we tested the grassy gnoll for ballistic evidence and found no residue. We don’t think Ed was the shooter. We think he was the spotter.

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We don’t mean train spotting which is what whacked out Heroine addicts do when they dream up crazy conspiracy theories to tweet.

We then checked the NASA archives.

And there’s Ed.

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Ed has been a one man Ambien Crzy Train of Terror upon the American psyche for decades!

We checked Wal Mart surveillance video and there was Ed robbing the pharmacy of Ambien and Oxicodone for a Hollywood party he invited Charles Manson to.

Ed lowered himself down through the ceiling vents and grabbed that mans crotch as he hurdled the counter and scooped up all the vitamins, anti oxidants and hard drugs he could carry out in 3 10 cent bags.

We reviewed surveillance video and it was heartbreaking. We will not post it here. It’s on Youtube and Twitter.

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We then went to the Tax Assessor and Build Department in Ed’s town and got his home blueprints and dug through his trash for receipts.

We confirmed he has literally paid for NOTHING for decades while living an ostentatious and opulent lifestyle in a palatial home at (REDACTED!  WTF ARE YOU DOING?  DELETE THIS BEFORE PUBLISHING YOU LUNATIC. PEOPLE”S LIVES ARE AT RISK WHEN YOU TWEET THEIR HOME ADDRESSES BECAUSE MOBS TARGET POLITICAL ENEMIES ~ *Ed)

Oh my God!  Was that comment by my Editor? Or Ed?  Ed Whalen that is.

My editor is in hiding now. Spooky.

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We Will Now Produce Only The Best Fake #News Available.

In todays headlines, Hillary Clinton was eaten by an alligator at Disneyland as she trolled for new kids to give to Podesta.  No one was hurt, and the alligator received a Congressional Medal of Honor.  Bill Clinton gave the eulogy stating, “Who is that blonde?”

Ron Paul tweeted a list of fake news sites.  We would ask Jack Dorsey and Zuck to immediately bar these fake news sites from publishing news or updates on Facebook and twitter forevermore.

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In NFL news the Cleveland Browns challenged Alabama to a football game.  Alabama declined, fearing excessive injury risk for the pansy Browns players.  The Akron Pop Warner boys U-12’s stepped up and beat the Browns 35-28 in a hard fought game, with the Ghost of the Galloping Ghost Red Grange leading all rushers with 142 yards and 3 td’s.

In Major League Baseball news Justin Verlander was jobbed by the baseball writers out of his Cy Young.   However he has Kate Upton.  So all in all it seems fair.

In basketball news Michael Jordan came out of retirement, dunked on Kanye West and re-retired.  Kanye West was last seen in an ambulance muttering about Beyonce, Taylor Swift and 3 partially eaten bags of cheetos.   Kim Kardashian immediately divorced him saying, “I didn’t know he couldn’t D up and guard an old man.  I don’t feel safe anymore.”

In Twitter news Jack Dorsey resigned as CEO stating, “I suck.  I cannot believe I did this to twitter, my customers and my country.  I am a very bad person.”

 

Dear @HillaryClinton, Some Ideas To Remain Useful In Your Dotage.

Dear Hillary Clinton,

Due to a shocking display of every deplorable ISM possible, you are not President.

Given the fact that your Foundation appears riddled with corruption in an attempt to personally harness the government, media and foreign policy of the United States for your personal enrichment we have some ideas about how you can spend your dotage.  (You may not have a Foundation for very long.)

If you end up in prison, these ideas probably (mostly) will not work.

10.  Become a dog walker in New York.  Thus you can canvas for the Democrats and actually talk to normal people and not Democrat operatives pretending to “bump” into you post election.

9.  Give Bill a sloppy BJ.  Work on that marriage, girl!  Bill is just a misunderstood male after all.  He loves everyone!

8.  Apply to work as a Greeter at Wal Mart.  Since you know Arkansas and the Walton’s this should be an easy get.

7.  Go to Haiti and give them back their money.  Looting countries (allegedly) is not nice.

6.  Take an adult education class on the internet.  Learn about hackers, cyber security and how to protect your personal information (and national security.)

5.  Learn a second language.  For you, Chinese or Arabic, the better to solicit donations to your political action committee (I mean “foundation”, sorry).

4.  Spend time with your grandchildren.

3.  Kick Harry Reid in the balls.  He really deserves it.  Truly.

2.  Apologize to Bernie Sanders for rigging the entire Democrat party, Administration and news media against him.

1.  Work as a volunteer bell ringer for the Salvation Army.  Your staff thinks you are not normal and don’t relate to regular people.  This would help.

0.  Work on saying, “I plead the 5th” and hire a brilliant defense attorney.

 

 

Welcome to America, Ex Politician Now Journalist Expatriot Tory Louise Mensch!

We in America welcome immigrants from oppressed lands and certainly the UK fits in as a giant oppressive imperialist force from the past.

Having seen the Light of Liberty and come to New York we are certain you will fit right in with our country!

 

We welcome dreamers from around the world.

Why here in the Central Valley of CA we are a verititable immigrant paradise as we feed the nation.

 

 

 

We welcome you and are glad an ex Tory MP has grasped Freedom!

 

And…. Uh…

Louise we won our independence in a Civil War that we call the Revolutionary War.

You know, you taxed us, we rebelled, we kicked England’s ass out?

Ring any bells?

So freedom isn’t a gift.

 

Right.  Glad that’s cleared up.

Ok, so, uhh…

 

Louise are you sure you want to call our country a moron?

This seems pretty harsh doesn’t it?  God & Country to God and Moron?

I’m unsure why you would call the United States a moron.  Are you SURE you want to be in America, Louise?

 

Approved for entry.

 

 

Edit:  Louise Mensch provides the following update:

 

 

 

‘Scuse me Governess.  Was just rememberin’ that we serve God and Country not God and Mammon, Moron or Turd.

You swear an oath of loyalty to the Constitution and are supposed to disobey illegal orders.

Sadly that didn’t happen, especially in regards to torture, but it shouold happen that way.

#Twitter is Down With Glamour Shots. #satire

Twitter is down with glamour shots and so are we!

Wonder what comes up when you google some of your favorite social media personalities?

Google Duleepa “Dups” Wijayawardhana Glamour Shots.  No not money shots!  Glamour shots.

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“Keith Gill Glamour Shots”.

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Chris Sandys glamour shot!

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Gareth Davies glamour shot!

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Nance Larson glamour shot!

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As Seen On…. #Satire #Humor

I have discovered an awesome new online app that is full of hilarious possibilities.

Lots of people are using it, and the “feed” is hilarious as users express themselves to their hearts content.

I was perusing the feed when I noticed this exchange!

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Imagine that.  Click HERE to go have some fun.

Disaster Strikes In Threes! Sandy Sucking The Life Out of Connecticut? #humor

When disaster visits, it often arrives in sets of 3.

The State of Connecticut hit the perverse lottery with Hurricane Sandy, Sandy Hook and Sandy Pants.

Woe upon the people of Connecticut for the ill tides which included a hurricane,  the eternally lame Constitionally maimed and brain drained, and a mass shooting.

If you listen closely you can hear the sucking of life from the greater Northeast into Greenwich where a madman cackles with glee.

It’s kind of like the Ghostbusters like that.

 

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Twist and Shout With #Klout ~ Thanks @klout and @kloutsupport

I am humbled to be rankied 6 in #satire, 9 in #humor and 3 in Air Force Academy expertise  as measured by @klout.

Thanks to @Klout for their long standing support of this blog as they have disseminated my content for quite a long time.

https://klout.com/#/explore/humor

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https://klout.com/#/explore/satire

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https://klout.com/#/explore/us-air-force-academy

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One Link…

Detailing life in the Digital age.

It’s been one week since I clicked a link
Been missing life online
and I need a gravy recipe
Five days since I saw my Buzzfeed
Lost my password and living in infamy
Three days since the facebook feed
I realized it’s all my fault, and set my status
Yesterday you’d forgiven me
And on Google+ we exchanged pleasantries

Hold it now and watch the Twitter feed
As I make you stop, think
You’ll think you’re looking at a silly cat
I summon fish to the dish,
Although I like the Swiss Miss
She’s got the sushi
Cause it’s never retouched by photoshop, man

Hot like wasabe when I’m online
Big like Tom Brady
Because I’m all about balls
Tom Jones’ got the mad hits
You try to match wits
You try to hold me but I make a fool of you

Gonna make a Vine, and be big online
I’d hit like an earthquake
I like vanilla, It’s the finest of the flavors
Gotta see the show,
Cause then you’ll know
The Vertigo is gonna grow
Cause it’s so dangerous,
You’ll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think you’re funny when you’re mad
Trying hard not to smile though your spittin’ mad
I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can’t understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of vacuuming up the dirt

It’s been one week since since I read about Flea
The Red Hot Chili Peppers Love Rollercoaster, baby
Five days since Tumblr feed went crazy
I’ve still got the likes, shares and plusses, baby
It’s been three days since the afternoon
You realized it’s not my fault not a moment too soon
Yesterday you’d forgiven me
And now we’re friends on Facebook, and following, maybe

Chickity China the Chinese chicken
I googled  a drumstick and Thunderstruck is stickin
Watchin Star Wars with no lights on
We’re on a mission
I hope the Rebels win in this one
Like Harrison Ford I’m getting Frantic
Like Trump’s combover, magic
Like David Spade, guaranteed to rock online

Like Kurosawa I make mad films
Okay I don’t make films
But if I did Valerie would wield the tsai’s
Gonna get a new iphone
Gonna find the kind with 5g in the zone
Just so my wifi doesn’t lose connection in the mad scene
Gotta watch some Sailor Moon
Cause that cartoon has got the boom anime babes
That make me write blogs that zing

How can I help it if I think you’re funny when you’re mad
Trying hard not to smile though your spittin’ mad
I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can’t understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of vacuuming up the dirt

It’s been one week since I bought amazon sheets
One day shipping by drone can’t be beat
Five days since I saw a google+ preview
Their beta look doesn’t seem like much new
Three days since the Twitter feed
The GOP Debate was online, what a mad scene
Yesterday you just smiled at me
Cause it’ll still be two days till we youtube a maserati

It’ll still be two days till we get online
It’ll still be two days till we get online
Twitter, yo, home of the robot fake spam armies