Tag Archives: Humor

We Will Now Produce Only The Best Fake #News Available.

In todays headlines, Hillary Clinton was eaten by an alligator at Disneyland as she trolled for new kids to give to Podesta.  No one was hurt, and the alligator received a Congressional Medal of Honor.  Bill Clinton gave the eulogy stating, “Who is that blonde?”

Ron Paul tweeted a list of fake news sites.  We would ask Jack Dorsey and Zuck to immediately bar these fake news sites from publishing news or updates on Facebook and twitter forevermore.

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In NFL news the Cleveland Browns challenged Alabama to a football game.  Alabama declined, fearing excessive injury risk for the pansy Browns players.  The Akron Pop Warner boys U-12’s stepped up and beat the Browns 35-28 in a hard fought game, with the Ghost of the Galloping Ghost Red Grange leading all rushers with 142 yards and 3 td’s.

In Major League Baseball news Justin Verlander was jobbed by the baseball writers out of his Cy Young.   However he has Kate Upton.  So all in all it seems fair.

In basketball news Michael Jordan came out of retirement, dunked on Kanye West and re-retired.  Kanye West was last seen in an ambulance muttering about Beyonce, Taylor Swift and 3 partially eaten bags of cheetos.   Kim Kardashian immediately divorced him saying, “I didn’t know he couldn’t D up and guard an old man.  I don’t feel safe anymore.”

In Twitter news Jack Dorsey resigned as CEO stating, “I suck.  I cannot believe I did this to twitter, my customers and my country.  I am a very bad person.”

 

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Dear @HillaryClinton, Some Ideas To Remain Useful In Your Dotage.

Dear Hillary Clinton,

Due to a shocking display of every deplorable ISM possible, you are not President.

Given the fact that your Foundation appears riddled with corruption in an attempt to personally harness the government, media and foreign policy of the United States for your personal enrichment we have some ideas about how you can spend your dotage.  (You may not have a Foundation for very long.)

If you end up in prison, these ideas probably (mostly) will not work.

10.  Become a dog walker in New York.  Thus you can canvas for the Democrats and actually talk to normal people and not Democrat operatives pretending to “bump” into you post election.

9.  Give Bill a sloppy BJ.  Work on that marriage, girl!  Bill is just a misunderstood male after all.  He loves everyone!

8.  Apply to work as a Greeter at Wal Mart.  Since you know Arkansas and the Walton’s this should be an easy get.

7.  Go to Haiti and give them back their money.  Looting countries (allegedly) is not nice.

6.  Take an adult education class on the internet.  Learn about hackers, cyber security and how to protect your personal information (and national security.)

5.  Learn a second language.  For you, Chinese or Arabic, the better to solicit donations to your political action committee (I mean “foundation”, sorry).

4.  Spend time with your grandchildren.

3.  Kick Harry Reid in the balls.  He really deserves it.  Truly.

2.  Apologize to Bernie Sanders for rigging the entire Democrat party, Administration and news media against him.

1.  Work as a volunteer bell ringer for the Salvation Army.  Your staff thinks you are not normal and don’t relate to regular people.  This would help.

0.  Work on saying, “I plead the 5th” and hire a brilliant defense attorney.

 

 

Jamal Omar: Classic Degenerate in the Finest American Sense

Jamal Omar is a degenerate.  An awful free thinking degenerate.  A virtual hippie.

He should be banned in Boston and not allowed in Peoria.

How bad is Jamal?  Bad.

Here’s the Top 10 list of BAD things Jamal has allegedly done (I made none of them up.  These are all real.  Trust me.)

10.  Litters on American highways.

9.  Invented the Hillary Clinton douche after watching Old Faithful erupt at Yellowstone.

8.  Spray painted MAGA on Abraham Lincoln’s nose in green at Mount Rushmore.

7.  Had an orgy with 73 South Dakota coeds in the snow.

6.  Takes multiple mulligans on the golf course.

5.  Tipped an uber driver with investment advice.

4.  Groped the North Dakota governor on the golf course.

3.  Refuses to wear coats during winter.  Or pants.

2.  Failed to open the door for a woman once.

1.  Supports Donald Trump.

 

Community, Police And Positive Justice. Captain @CaptainRose of @SandySprings_PD. @FultonSheriff

To my way of thinking Law Enforcement has somewhat lost the meaning of the law for the pure enforcement.

“The problem with the law is that it has been argued in insurance offices.”  ~  Lenny Bruce

I was lucky enough to come across the stories told by now Captain Steve Rose of Sandy Springs Police Department.

The Captain spent his early years in the area of metro Atlanta known as Buckhead working private security at what must have been one of the funnest party areas in the South, if not the United States.

During that time he worked for Fulton County Police Department.

From reading his stories, which are wildly entertaining you learn that he frequently didn’t arrest people who nowadays might be routinely run in as they had suffered enough from their own stupidity & resulting battle wounds.

And that, is what I call justice.

If the bar fighter is standing before you with the busted nose and a bar tab, does running him in help?  Probably not.  He’s lost enough right there.

That’s not to say the Captain didnt arrest anyone, certainly he did.  And he advanced through a wonderful career in law enforcement.

But he had a human touch, and wasn’t out to do injustice.  He delivered fairness.

And we need more of that now.

I had the joy of visiting Atlanta in 1991 and 1992 and visited many of the same places the Captain writes about, including the American Pie.

And I know that if God forbid we’d of been dragged into a fight, we’d of looked for a police officer to cut us a break.

And I think the Captain would have.

I was working executive security for the Fulton County chairman’s office and spent all of the Olympics on the road going to events, then dinner, then cigars, then late-night private clubs. It was an exhausting two weeks but I rubbed elbows with movie stars, athletes, and a cigar with Jack Nicholson. All of that centered around Buckhead.

Thank you, Captain.

There’s a book in this.

For Further Reading:

http://patch.com/georgia/sandysprings/view-from-a-cop-the-crazy-city-nightlife-of-the-70s-and-80s

Capt. Steve Rose: popular crime blotters to continue

 

 

Welcome to America, Ex Politician Now Journalist Expatriot Tory Louise Mensch!

We in America welcome immigrants from oppressed lands and certainly the UK fits in as a giant oppressive imperialist force from the past.

Having seen the Light of Liberty and come to New York we are certain you will fit right in with our country!

 

We welcome dreamers from around the world.

Why here in the Central Valley of CA we are a verititable immigrant paradise as we feed the nation.

 

 

 

We welcome you and are glad an ex Tory MP has grasped Freedom!

 

And…. Uh…

Louise we won our independence in a Civil War that we call the Revolutionary War.

You know, you taxed us, we rebelled, we kicked England’s ass out?

Ring any bells?

So freedom isn’t a gift.

 

Right.  Glad that’s cleared up.

Ok, so, uhh…

 

Louise are you sure you want to call our country a moron?

This seems pretty harsh doesn’t it?  God & Country to God and Moron?

I’m unsure why you would call the United States a moron.  Are you SURE you want to be in America, Louise?

 

Approved for entry.

 

 

Edit:  Louise Mensch provides the following update:

 

 

 

‘Scuse me Governess.  Was just rememberin’ that we serve God and Country not God and Mammon, Moron or Turd.

You swear an oath of loyalty to the Constitution and are supposed to disobey illegal orders.

Sadly that didn’t happen, especially in regards to torture, but it shouold happen that way.

Destruction of Capitalism And You, A Choosy Buyer’s Guide.

There is much debate in socialist economists circles (those led by Krugman) as to which method of juicing the economy through utterly debasing currency is the quicker better picker upper method to hyperinflation.

Should you helicopter money like Finland?

Or reduce interest rates to negative numbers through a central bank.

With helicopter money you shovel money out straight to the people.  I think about $900.00 a month for Finland (based on exchange rates which I last checked never.)

With negative interest banks the window at the central bank loans out money to other banks at negative rates.  Which means the central bank is effectively paying other banks to take out loans.

This will then be loaned out (hopefully) to qualified applicants at even lower rates (I dunno how low, cause I’m not familiar with Japan’s credit market.)

So if the central bank loaded at 1% and the next bank at 5%, perhaps now credit will be available at 4% instead, theoretically.

OR the banks can simply pocket the difference.

Which is better?

I say cut out the middleman if you want to implode your economy and sustain hyperinflation.

Shovel that cash right out the door to the end user!

Shovel out some $TWTR while you are at it.

#Twitter is Down With Glamour Shots. #satire

Twitter is down with glamour shots and so are we!

Wonder what comes up when you google some of your favorite social media personalities?

Google Duleepa “Dups” Wijayawardhana Glamour Shots.  No not money shots!  Glamour shots.

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“Keith Gill Glamour Shots”.

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Chris Sandys glamour shot!

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Gareth Davies glamour shot!

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Nance Larson glamour shot!

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As Seen On…. #Satire #Humor

I have discovered an awesome new online app that is full of hilarious possibilities.

Lots of people are using it, and the “feed” is hilarious as users express themselves to their hearts content.

I was perusing the feed when I noticed this exchange!

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Imagine that.  Click HERE to go have some fun.

Disaster Strikes In Threes! Sandy Sucking The Life Out of Connecticut? #humor

When disaster visits, it often arrives in sets of 3.

The State of Connecticut hit the perverse lottery with Hurricane Sandy, Sandy Hook and Sandy Pants.

Woe upon the people of Connecticut for the ill tides which included a hurricane,  the eternally lame Constitionally maimed and brain drained, and a mass shooting.

If you listen closely you can hear the sucking of life from the greater Northeast into Greenwich where a madman cackles with glee.

It’s kind of like the Ghostbusters like that.

 

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