Ed whelan decided to tweet a half baked (and we don’t mean he took a bit of cocaine mixed with meth) twitter storm where he insinuated a dude who looked like Judge Kavanaugh assaulted Christine Blasey Ford.
So we asked ourselves is Ed Whalen a leading suspect in not only notorious crimes but every crime?
Think about it.
A one man crime wave like Bonnie & Clyde conducted (Feminism leads the way!) with two people would be so unlikely that no one would suspect Whelan is the criminal mastermind behind (and probably conducting) every crime imaginable.
To test this theory we compared Whalan to notorious criminal DB Cooper.
The resemblance is remarkable.
We think Ed bought some of Alex Jones vitamins, defied aging, and has lived life on the lamb, with those poor passengers money, for quite a long time. (Ed steals run on sentences!)
Then we checked the audio of the Kennedy motorcade. We heard President John F. Kennedy whispering to his driver,
“I do believe that is Ed Whalen over there on that grassy gnoll.”
We checked the grassy gnoll photo. And sure enough. It’s Ed Whalen. I should point out we tested the grassy gnoll for ballistic evidence and found no residue. We don’t think Ed was the shooter. We think he was the spotter.
We don’t mean train spotting which is what whacked out Heroine addicts do when they dream up crazy conspiracy theories to tweet.
We then checked the NASA archives.
And there’s Ed.
Ed has been a one man Ambien Crzy Train of Terror upon the American psyche for decades!
We checked Wal Mart surveillance video and there was Ed robbing the pharmacy of Ambien and Oxicodone for a Hollywood party he invited Charles Manson to.
Ed lowered himself down through the ceiling vents and grabbed that mans crotch as he hurdled the counter and scooped up all the vitamins, anti oxidants and hard drugs he could carry out in 3 10 cent bags.
We reviewed surveillance video and it was heartbreaking. We will not post it here. It’s on Youtube and Twitter.
We then went to the Tax Assessor and Build Department in Ed’s town and got his home blueprints and dug through his trash for receipts.
We confirmed he has literally paid for NOTHING for decades while living an ostentatious and opulent lifestyle in a palatial home at (REDACTED! WTF ARE YOU DOING? DELETE THIS BEFORE PUBLISHING YOU LUNATIC. PEOPLE”S LIVES ARE AT RISK WHEN YOU TWEET THEIR HOME ADDRESSES BECAUSE MOBS TARGET POLITICAL ENEMIES ~ *Ed)
Oh my God! Was that comment by my Editor? Or Ed? Ed Whalen that is.
My editor is in hiding now. Spooky.